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i feeling at a loss to love today.
i realize love is a word i use often, and i think some people believe I us it to lightly. but I don't because i truly mean it when it is spoken from my lips. things have been changing alot this summer, sides of people that were not expected have been revealed, thoughts and dreams broken. making it hard to turn the other cheek. once again in my life. i'm at a loss.
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| *1 bandaid healme* |
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Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
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It's amaxing how a song can completely imbody a time in ones life.
Brandon this is for you baby.
"Everybody's Fool"
perfect by nature
icons of self indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that
never was and never will be
have you no shame don't you see me
you know you've got everybody fooled
look here he comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know he
never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie
i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore
it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
________________________________________________________________________
You were everyones fool to me.
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| *healme* |
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I am really pissed off at my self, for not talking to nate today.
Damn me.
It actually hurts that I won't see him till monday, I'm so close to picking up the car keys and driving over to say 'how's the book, when do you get off, meet me for coffee later?'
I'm such an ASS! *screams*
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| *healme* |
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I don't now what the fuck is wrong with me.
But a couple people are tensing me up, and it's with little things that I feel really high maintenence for letting them bug me the way they do. It's only cause it's not the first time and like for so may people a lot of little things are going on period. I'm not addressing them head on cause I really think it's my attitude that is in the wrong here. And if it's not how the hell do I tell?
Frickers tonight is going to be long ...and tomorrow will be even longer...shit
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| *healme* |
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Saturday, April 19th, 2003
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Last night around 10:30 Alex calls me.
She calls to inform me that the guys were having a show today, form 2-6.
Now I can't help but notice that they (my "group of buddy ol pal's") call me only when the guys have a show....that I have to pay for I might add. Otherwise I'm left out of the loop.
I'm fucking tired of this shit.
Even when I saw them ever week it was like I wasn't there. I've tried to damn hard and to damn long to try anymore. I could go on about this for hours.. but I won't.
The basis is I didn't go. Not cause I didn't want to, I couldn't, and I don't feel bad about it.
5 fucking years is enough time to learn to appreciate someone. If you think I'm wrong. Well screw you.
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| *healme* |
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Thursday, April 10th, 2003
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| Time: | 7:08 pm. |
| Mood: |  grumpy. |
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Today was bla.
I have been thinking of CONA all day, and it's really depressing, I can't get it off my mind. What makes it worse is it's not making me anry so i can just punch teh crap out of my pillows to get out my frustration.
grr
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| *2 bandaids healme* |
| Time: | 1:17 pm. |
| Mood: | an unknown word. | | Music: | .my.immortal.evanescence.. |
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I'm so ...angry.
I was informed that my internship reference forms have not been recived. Those fucking papers were sent in a month ago, don't give me this shit! I at a complete loss, for I get fuck with my CONA references and now with my internship references. (yes everything goes back to CONA sorry but that's the way it is.) I don't need this, I'm on one of those levels when something small comes a long it seem like the whole world has collapsed.
It's like my emotions have replaced my blood their flowing through my completely. What the hell is going on....some one tell me please!!!!!
please.?
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| *healme* |
| Time: | 10:00 am. |
| Mood: |  tired. |
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Last night I visited my yearbook.
I hung out with Coal, Kai, Celest, Alex, Aidan, Spike, and Jackie.
Coal left for England this morning at 9.
From everyone there other then Coal and Teal, made me feel casted out. They make me feel like shit, I'm a piece of the past that doesn't need to be invited for a update in the present or future.
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| *healme* |
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Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
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| Time: | 9:26 pm. |
| Mood: |  indescribable. | | Music: | .wanda.at.large.. |
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I'm teary. It's weird.
So much shit is going on all over the place not only in my life, but in the other lives that make my own. In the world. It's so fucked up.
What the hell wrong happens in lives to make everything so stressful and tramatic, and what makes them feel so tramatic. That thoughts give us the need to either ruin the lives of others or just start feeling bad anyway. What goes on in my brain my body my soul that I let little things piss the hell out of me. And big things seem created to be nearly impossible to avoid....
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| *healme* |
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I've been sitting here for about 15 minutes, silently crying, replaying in my mind what happened over the hour before.
An argument accured which was later connected to a bigger argument. It's a blur, all I know is I'm sitting here crying, and I can't think of what to do about it.
The entire ride home was me and mom lashing silent comments out at one another in our heads.
In the midst of it all. We pass a familiar car, it's Brandon's Mom.
And before we hit home, a car in front of us has a bumper sticker which read "Not all wanderers are lost".
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| *2 bandaids healme* |
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The dream I just had forced me to come on here and make and entry.
I was in a truck in the front seat of an old truck, sitting next to Brandon, he was driving but leaning his elbow into my thigh. An Adam McCall/Cyrus from real world was sitting in the middle of the seat behind.
Where we were driving I don't remember, but we passed a man walking his kid somewhere. The man has his hand over the boy’s ears as if you protect them from the noise. The man flicked us off just as we past, I checked with the guys to see if that's what I saw him do. The said yes holding there fingers behind there head to signify the same. Adam/Cyrus put his head out the window and yell to the man "never flick of a lady you might loose a finger"
We arrived at a red light, and soon heard honks from behind, I was the only one in the car at first to turn and look behind Brandon and see what was going on. Parades of vintage cars from the 20’s to the 60’s were swerving through the audience of still cars. They were beautiful; you could tell they had Sunday drivers, the kind that would only bring out their boldest and most beautiful only on Sundays. The boys soon looked as well; Brandon faced me then turned to look behind his head parallel to my own.
In such amazement I said “fuck me”. In response Brandon faced me, about 5 inches away and said “ok”. He then fucked me.
The situation with Brandon and I is and odd one, we used to be best friends. Things went sour. I still remember talking to him on the phone at 3 am, telling him over tears, I can’t be friend with you like this, and quietly hung up. I kicked and screamed and cried harder then I ever had in my life, (harder then I didn’t when I lost CONA) I never though I would see or talk to him again after that. The phone rang not 5 minutes later, my mom got up from he bed where she watched me scream at the top of my lungs. Came back with the phone and said it was him, I said that wasn’t fun and started to close the bathroom door. “I’m not kidding” she said and stared.
I took the phone went into my room and sat on the floor waited at least 40 seconds to say make any noise to let him know I was listening. He told me he still wanted to be friends, and procceded to make me laugh for the following hour. Though things were never the same, never. For the next 6 months we may have said hi 6 times, looked at each other thing to start a conversation, but never did.
If he is the same as he was, he doesn’t care, to him it’s in his past and there for not worth the fuss. But for me it’s an unfinished book, that I keep writing another word in when thing come up. I don’t know if I need to resolve it, I think that for him that would make it worse, in the sense that he would just get pissed and not want to deal with it.
I do believe he has changed, and you have no idea how much I want to be friends with him, to continue from where we were. And it truly makes me cry to think it’s gone.
But now I’m gunna go through the day…wonder what the dream is supposed to mean. And if I’ll ever talk to him again.
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I found this a few hours after I made this post:
CAPRICORN
You generally tend to be very focused in the material world, but something about the energy going on around you, generated by the planetary alignment, causes you to look within today. You might look upon past family gatherings, their joys and pains, and wonder how they're affecting your life now. This is a very positive and very healing process, so don't fight it. Let it happen. You won't totally disconnect from what's happening around you!
*speechless*
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| *healme* |
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My emotions are like paintball splatter. A complete disera.
The swerve from horny, flirtatious, jealous, they link possibility to insanity.
I have been thinking of seeing a therapist, but can't for the life of me see how they can see something I can not. I am the one person who knows me with all of my faults and for some ...person to think they can look into my eyes see my soul in just under an hour, play 50 questions, telling me that my suffering isn't suffering but something found in a medical book. You can't tell me that, you can't tell me that you are the all powerful OZ of your generation and you are able to see into me better then any other living, dead, or limbo'd soul on this earth. And expect me to believe it.
Maybe I am "crazy" but I would rather try and face it myself, then have some shit tell me something that is true only because it's written in a book that has sold millions of copies.
That book can bite my ass.
-you can't just leave me-
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| *healme* |
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At the stroke of this morning, I lost site of myself again.
I felt my head float way from my body. I saw the room grow and me fall between the cracks in the floor boards, forever lost.
"Last night I cried tossed and turned, woke up with dry eyes. My mind was racing, feet were paceing. Lord help me please tell me what have I gotten into. Yesterday I told myself I was gonna be okay. Gonna start a new day, be truly happy. I was gonna take contol of me. But eventually reality hit me. Mentally, physicaly, emotionally. And I opened my eyes and realized that I was still being taken for a constant ride."
I felt completely helpless, I had no one to call, no one to think of and say he that person loves you. I felt nonexistent and at the same time alive enough to feel the pain. I saw flashes of me killing myself, several times over, slitting perfect lines across my toned skin. Wrapping duct tape around my pure wrist and veined ankles, feet tied to a bag of sand. I saw myself throwing the weight to the bottom of the pool 2 feet higher then me standing curveless. Salt streamed down my face, I couldn't move, I felt so numb, I could no longer hear, or feel the cold draft of air come up under the sheets.
I was paralized till 5 am.
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| *2 bandaids healme* |
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All I wanna do
Is wake up every morning and be happy and be care free
And all I wanna do
Is love someone and make sure my friends are okay
And I wanna sing,
The songs that I write in my head
On a stage, in a big place
And I wanna laugh
Until tears fall down my face and my abs, are aching
Is that too much to ask for, in my life, to have
Nothing but the sweetest days
Too much, for one, to have
Or is it wishful thinking
Oh I wanna send
Myself to college, with no problem
And how I hope
The children down in Chile
They get the money I send
And I wanna fly
To Paris once a year for a vacation
With someone
And I hope
The nation stop fighting and find sweet peace, somewhere down deep
I want my soul to fly free
Without a single worry
Fear or anxiety
Could it be possible for all I wish to have
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| *healme* |
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I'm riding an emotional rollercoaster at this current point in my life.
And I feel that I need to be honest with myself. So I made this journal.
My other journal ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) abandonfaerie has been there for a while now, and I have this thing of dancing around my issues with my life and other people in it. I'm saying to you now this journal will be the truth, if you know me and you can't take it, don't take offense. I have to release things in my own way. And this is the only way I could think of to do so.
If you want to add me to you list. Feel free, just remember now and then there might be the bare honesty that some people choose to be blind to.
Now let's just see if after saying all of that, I can still bring myself to do it.
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| *12 bandaids healme* |
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bitchy.